Sour Patch for President

Get to Know Sour Patch

Full name: Sour Patch Kids

Party Affiliation: Chewy

Hometown: Hamilton, Ontario

Relations: None

Experience: Very little, going for the youth vote

Calories: 150 Calories Per Serving

Q: What makes you the best choice for President?

I'm the youngest candy here, technically. Skittles didn't come to North America until 1979 and by then I was already established and lining up my first big position on a theater shelf. I speak for the current generation, which means I speak for the future.

Q: What will be your first action once elected to office?

The first thing I'll do is do more to promote other sour candies. Currently, I feel we're a minority that gets largely neglected. As you can see, I'm currently the only sour candydate even running, and multiple opponents have sour variants they just "forgot" to mention. That's disgraceful.

Q: What’s the biggest threat to America’s chewy candy today?

Braces! As soon as they show up, we're out of the picture for years, and what have doctors done to help out? Nothing! Studies show that once someone gives up chewy candy for braces, they're drastically less likely to ever try that candy again, braces or not.

Q: Which policy of yours sets you apart from the competition?

I think my lack of dependence on a large parent company leaves me open to create my own policy as I go. I don't have any big donors backing me up like my competition, and let me tell you something: a lot of big donors out there are doing plenty to support chocolate, too.

Q: How do you respond to allegations that you have a pH level similar to a car battery?

I think that's making a mountain out of a sugar pile. I've never claimed to be the entree of a meal, I'm candy. I should be consumed constantly, but also in moderation. That's the kind of realistic point of view our country needs!