Gummy Bears for President

Get to Know Gummy Bears

Full name: Gummy Bears

Party Affiliation: Chewy

Hometown: Bonn, Germany

Relations: Pez (formerly)

Experience: Health Care Degree

Calories: 140 Calories Per Serving

Q: What makes you the best choice for President?

I've got the most invested in our future. America is getting more and more obese by the day, and all candy shares some of that blame. I'm the only candy doing something about it, as evidenced by my vitamin and cavity-fighting variations, something no other candy has.

Q: What will be your first action once elected to office?

I plan to draft legislation requiring all candy to meet a certain threshold of health benefits. We can't continue to exist as a drain on America's health without giving anything in return!

Q: What’s the biggest threat to America’s chewy candy today?

Whole Foods! I can't stand that place, every freaking thing is sugar free this, gluten free that! Let's dispel the notion that Whole Foods doesn't know what they're doing, they know exactly what they're doing.

Q: Which policy of yours sets you apart from the competition?

I'm the only one brave enough to admin where we've gone wrong as candy. This country is great, and we are great, but only together we can attain perfection.

Q: Speaking of health crazes, we've seen you referred to as "empty calories" frequently, do you think that's a fair label?

You know what, sometimes it's completely fair. Sometimes, I'm just sugar. The difference between me and my opponents is that I expect more out of myself. The gummi vitamins you see at the store, the new cavity-fighting version I'm testing, these are my examples I show to you as a promise I'm striving to improve.