Reese's for President

Get to Know Reese's

Full name: Reese's Peanut Butter Cup

Party Affiliation: Chocolate

Hometown: Hershey, PA

Relations: Reese's Big Cup, Mini Reese's Peanut Butter Cups, Reese's Pieces 

Experience: Won the Chocolate Primary in 2012, Lost in the General Election

Calories: 87 per cup

Q: What makes you the best choice for President?

I’m reliable, that’s why. We’ve all seen politicians promise one thing and do another, but I’ve been around forever. Technically I was invented in 1928, which is earlier than any of these other chocolates can PROVE they’ve been around for. A few of these candidates are babies compared to me, and the only one that MIGHT be older is Ghirardelli who has been bought and sold so many times, they’re unrecognizable.

Q: What will be your first action once elected to office?

Well, I can answer that by transitioning from my last answer. I’m going to enact stricter laws for

candydates running for elected offices, because I genuinely don’t believe candy like Ghirardelli should be allowed to run. Did you know he’s been owned by 5 different entities in the last 53 years? Furthermore, their current owner is in Switzerland. Clearly, our nation’s best interests aren’t being protected here, so we need to restrict government positions to true American candy.

Q: What’s the biggest threat to American’s chocolate today?

 I’m very concerned about global warming, as I’m sure a lot of my fellow Chocolate supporters are. Not only is all chocolate prone to melting, but a lot of people put it in the freezer simply to preserve what’s so special about it. With temperatures rising across the globe, there’s more danger than ever for one of us to be left out in the sun and never regain our true form.

Q: Which policy of yours sets you apart from the competition?

Good question, thank you, I’ve been meaning to bring this up. At this point, most of America knows

 that chewy candy can’t be trusted. Too many times we’ve seen chewy candy escape criminal charges because the suspect was 3 inches tall and the candy on the stand was 8 inches tall and significantly skinnier. I think all chewy candy needs to be identified under normal and full stretch measurements.

People might call that cruel, but it’s not as cruel as sitting back and watching our nation’s safety at risk.

Q: There’s been a lot of criticism about your peanut butter center. While some people love that MOST about you, others argue that by volume, you’re technically more peanut butter than chocolate. Tell us, what’s in your heart?

You wanna know what’s in my heart? You think I would be running for office because of some

mistaken chemical composition? How dare you. I’ll tell you what’s in my heart. America, that’s what.