Ghirardelli for President

Get to Know Ghirardelli

Full name: Ghirardelli Chocolate Squares

Party Affiliation: Chocolate

Hometown: San Francisco, CA

Relations: Rice-A-Roni, Quaker Oats

Experience: The third oldest chocolate company in the United States

Calories: 220 per square

Q: What makes you the best choice for President?

There’s a popular saying that goes like this: The simplest answer is usually the right one. You could use other sweets to distract from your own chocolate: peanut butter, caramel or some crispy garbage, perhaps. I don’t need those. I’m chocolate, pure and simple.

Q: What will be your first action once elected to office?

I’m going to enact a Chocolate Civil Rights Act that will immediately ban discriminatory practices
towards all forms of chocolate. Dark chocolate and white chocolate alike deserve equal rights, and that extends to all forms of our kind, including my own holiday exclusive egg nog chocolate.

Q: What’s the biggest threat to America’s chocolate today?

Easy question: dentists. For too long, that vile industry has painted us as the bad guys. What about
lower blood pressure? Lower risk of heart disease? Helpful antioxidants? I don’t hear much about those during toothpaste commercials!

Q: Which policy of yours sets you apart from the competition?

While I’m very proud of my Chocolate Civil Rights Act I mentioned earlier, I’d like to bring up another policy I’m particularly excited about: Expanded voting registration! I feel that if anyone is willing to sign an affidavit stating they intend to move to America in the next 4 years, especially from Switzerland, they should be allowed to vote in the elections. After all, whomever gets elected into office will still be there by the time they immigrate to this country, so they should have a say in who is in charge once they arrive!

Q: Don’t you think it’s a conflict of interest to focus on voters from the country where your own currently resides?

 I’m going to take the high road and not sling that mud back. I’ve heard the rumors, that I’m not “here for the right reasons”, but let me make it clear what I’m NOT here for: to make friends. I’m here to improve this country, and I won’t be accused of anything else.