Skittles for President

Get to Know Skittles

Full name: Skittles

Party Affiliation: Chewy

Hometown: Yorkville, IL

Relations: Altoids, Wrigley Gum, LifeSavers, Starburst

Experience: Fame, Popularity

Calories: 400 Calories Per Serving

Q: What makes you the best choice for President?

I know how the system works. I'm established, I'm incredibly popular and I'll work well with candies on both sides of the aisle. I'm young, but I still have one of the most liked brands on Facebook.

Q: What will be your first action once elected to office?

I'm going to modernize American politics! Some of my opponents don't even have a YouTube channel, can you believe it? In 2016? We need to get sleeker, faster, and cooler.

Q: What’s the biggest threat to America’s chewy candy today?

Resistance to change and stubbornness. I've never tried to hide my parent company, Wrigley, or THEIR parent company, Mars. We can't demonize chocolate candies just because they're different, and if I get elected, I plan to bring everyone together to benefit our nation.

Q: Which policy of yours sets you apart from the competition?

My policies are the most ambitious, and I'll tell you why. First, I simply have that much drive. Second, I know I've got the respect and connections to get my bills passed in Congress, something no other candy can claim. Who else has the support of both Big League Chew and 3 Musketeers, both of whom have publicly endorsed me?

Q: You've occasionally caused public outcry over tweets such as, and I quote here: "Most cacti are just looking for hugs." Are we right to be concerned about the example you're setting for America's youth? Hugging cacti?

Look, if we pick apart every time I spouted an ounce of satire or sarcasm, we're going to be here a while. Studies show that if you take life too seriously, you'll never get out alive.

Sour Patch for President

Get to Know Sour Patch

Full name: Sour Patch Kids

Party Affiliation: Chewy

Hometown: Hamilton, Ontario

Relations: None

Experience: Very little, going for the youth vote

Calories: 150 Calories Per Serving

Q: What makes you the best choice for President?

I'm the youngest candy here, technically. Skittles didn't come to North America until 1979 and by then I was already established and lining up my first big position on a theater shelf. I speak for the current generation, which means I speak for the future.

Q: What will be your first action once elected to office?

The first thing I'll do is do more to promote other sour candies. Currently, I feel we're a minority that gets largely neglected. As you can see, I'm currently the only sour candydate even running, and multiple opponents have sour variants they just "forgot" to mention. That's disgraceful.

Q: What’s the biggest threat to America’s chewy candy today?

Braces! As soon as they show up, we're out of the picture for years, and what have doctors done to help out? Nothing! Studies show that once someone gives up chewy candy for braces, they're drastically less likely to ever try that candy again, braces or not.

Q: Which policy of yours sets you apart from the competition?

I think my lack of dependence on a large parent company leaves me open to create my own policy as I go. I don't have any big donors backing me up like my competition, and let me tell you something: a lot of big donors out there are doing plenty to support chocolate, too.

Q: How do you respond to allegations that you have a pH level similar to a car battery?

I think that's making a mountain out of a sugar pile. I've never claimed to be the entree of a meal, I'm candy. I should be consumed constantly, but also in moderation. That's the kind of realistic point of view our country needs!

Gummy Bears for President

Get to Know Gummy Bears

Full name: Gummy Bears

Party Affiliation: Chewy

Hometown: Bonn, Germany

Relations: Pez (formerly)

Experience: Health Care Degree

Calories: 140 Calories Per Serving

Q: What makes you the best choice for President?

I've got the most invested in our future. America is getting more and more obese by the day, and all candy shares some of that blame. I'm the only candy doing something about it, as evidenced by my vitamin and cavity-fighting variations, something no other candy has.

Q: What will be your first action once elected to office?

I plan to draft legislation requiring all candy to meet a certain threshold of health benefits. We can't continue to exist as a drain on America's health without giving anything in return!

Q: What’s the biggest threat to America’s chewy candy today?

Whole Foods! I can't stand that place, every freaking thing is sugar free this, gluten free that! Let's dispel the notion that Whole Foods doesn't know what they're doing, they know exactly what they're doing.

Q: Which policy of yours sets you apart from the competition?

I'm the only one brave enough to admin where we've gone wrong as candy. This country is great, and we are great, but only together we can attain perfection.

Q: Speaking of health crazes, we've seen you referred to as "empty calories" frequently, do you think that's a fair label?

You know what, sometimes it's completely fair. Sometimes, I'm just sugar. The difference between me and my opponents is that I expect more out of myself. The gummi vitamins you see at the store, the new cavity-fighting version I'm testing, these are my examples I show to you as a promise I'm striving to improve.

Jelly Belly for President

Get to Know Jelly Belly

Full name: Jelly Belly

Party Affiliation: Chewy

Hometown: Fairfield, CA

Relations: Candy corn

Experience: Extreme aging

Calories: 41 Calories per serving

Q: What makes you the best choice for President?

Simple: Experience. Did you know I've been around about as long as my 3 Chewy opponents combined? That's right! I showed up 4 years after the Civil War ended so I've seen this country grow and evolve more that my opponents can even imagine.

Q: What will be your first action once elected to office?

Day one, I'm sending a bill to Congress to provide additional benefits to the elderly. I've watched entire generations born, age into adults, work, retire, and suddenly have to stop eating me because they lost their teeth and couldn't afford new ones.

Q: What’s the biggest threat to America’s chewy candy today?

Copyright infringement! Don't laugh, I'm serious! I can't buy denture cream at the store without seeing 4 different versions of myself in the checkout lane! Who authorized that? It wasn't me, or at least, I don't remember doing so.

Q: Which policy of yours sets you apart from the competition?

Well, I know that it's important to respect candy even after it's hit it's prime. Did you know candy corn is still around? Yea, it's not manufactured anymore, but we still have plenty of it. In my secondary plant over in North Chicago we have a whole warehouse full of it, we just sell a little bit more every Halloween and one day we'll run out, maybe, I dunno. Anyways, the point is that we still take care of it, we don't just throw it out like last century's garbage when a new candy comes along!

Q: While you certainly meet the age requirement to become President, some voters worry you might be too old. Do you think there should be a maximum age for candydates?

That's a great question, kid. You know, I once knew a candy even older than myself, if you can believe such a thing. We used to canvass the neighborhood looking for stores to take us in and give us a spot to be sold. One time, we were headed to the Kroger and his car broke down, so we went down to the Rotary Club to get it looked at. Of course, we didn't have phones back then but we didn't mind doing the hard work and pushing the car. That's how things were in those days, you worked when it was time to work and you didn't play on your high speeds for Netflix points. Anyways, the guy that ran the Rotary Club at the time was a fellow named Ben, real tall fellow, and I remember he had scars on his hands from a previous job he had done for... 

Kit Kat for President

Get to Know Kit Kat

Full name: Kit-Kat 

Party Affiliation: Chocolate

Hometown: Hershey, PA

Relations: Hershey Kisses, M&Ms

Experience: International Exposure (being made in more than one country) 

Calories: 218 Calories Per Package

Q: What makes you the best choice for President?

My catchy jingle. Totally serious, is there any other chocolate candidate with a better tune? Or chewy? I don’t think so. Gimme a break, am I right?

Q: What will be your first action once elected to office?

I’m going to expand the definition of chocolate. Similar to Ghirardelli, actually, I believe that all forms of chocolate are equal, I just take that concept a little further. My opponent doesn’t consider certain forms of chocolate to be as important as others. Hard candy, crispy candy and even liquids can contain chocolate and deserve our respect. There’s no reason a glass of hot chocolate deserves a lower wage for the same job the rest of us perform.

Q: What’s the biggest threat to America’s chocolate today?

I think our school system needs a big upgrade. I know it’s cliché to say children are our future, but lemme tell ya, somebody has to be the future and it definitely won’t be the elderly. More and more states are taking music and performing arts out of schools, we’re trying to become a nation of mathematicians and scientists. We need math and we need science and I completely support everything from STEM projects to stem cells, but we ALSO need writers, painters, singers, artists of all kinds. If we lose that, we lose our culture.

Q: Which policy of yours sets you apart from the competition?

I don’t want to say I’m the most open-minded candidate… but I am. My open door policy will allow anyone that loves chocolate to become an American citizen through an expedited process. Our country needs more people who can contribute to society in a positive way, and there’s nothing more positive than loving chocolate.

Q: While other candydates have been asked “what’s at their center”, you seem to have no center. So, I

must ask, why are there two of you? Is it two halves of the same candy? We’re getting mixed messages

Honestly, it’s open to interpretation. You can say the left is Kit and the top is Kat, but I’m still the same candy. I think you’re really splitting hairs here anyways. Gimme a break.

Twix for President

Get to Know Twix

Full name: Twix Cookie Bars

Party Affiliation: Chocolate

Hometown: Takoma, WA

Relations: Three Muskateers, Milky Way

Experience: Crossing the Asile to bring the Chewy and Chocolate Parties Together

Calories: 286 Calories Per Package

Q: What makes you the best choice for President?

Because I’ve got something for everyone. You want pure chocolate? Peanut butter? Caramel? I’ve got

this covered. No matter who you are and what you like, I should be receiving your vote!

Q: What will be your first action once elected to office?

I’m going to introduce a stimulus package in a way that’s going to make a lot of Americans happy:

Combo packs! A lot of voters out there have a hard time choosing which candy to snack on, so I’m going to make it a lot easier for them and start packing various chocolates together.

Q: What’s the biggest threat to America’s chocolate today?

I think discrimination is running rampant. There’s too much fighting between brands, shapes, and sizes, and we need to come together. We’re the best party, and the one most Americans crave. Nobody craves chewy candy, restaurants don’t serve “death by chewy” desserts. We need to stop picking at each other and unite this party for the good of the country.

Q: Which policy of yours sets you apart from the competition?

I’m better than all of them, and they’re complete losers.

Q: There’s been a lot of criticism on both sides of the aisle that you’re neither pure chocolate or pure chewy due to your caramel center. Some have even recommended you run as an independent or

I think perspective is always a very good thing. When I win my party’s nomination, as I fully expect to, I intend to look at both registered chewy and chocolate voters and say: I’ve been a mile in your wrapper. I think my unique makeup makes me somebody all of American can relate to.

Ghirardelli for President

Get to Know Ghirardelli

Full name: Ghirardelli Chocolate Squares

Party Affiliation: Chocolate

Hometown: San Francisco, CA

Relations: Rice-A-Roni, Quaker Oats

Experience: The third oldest chocolate company in the United States

Calories: 220 per square

Q: What makes you the best choice for President?

There’s a popular saying that goes like this: The simplest answer is usually the right one. You could use other sweets to distract from your own chocolate: peanut butter, caramel or some crispy garbage, perhaps. I don’t need those. I’m chocolate, pure and simple.

Q: What will be your first action once elected to office?

I’m going to enact a Chocolate Civil Rights Act that will immediately ban discriminatory practices
towards all forms of chocolate. Dark chocolate and white chocolate alike deserve equal rights, and that extends to all forms of our kind, including my own holiday exclusive egg nog chocolate.

Q: What’s the biggest threat to America’s chocolate today?

Easy question: dentists. For too long, that vile industry has painted us as the bad guys. What about
lower blood pressure? Lower risk of heart disease? Helpful antioxidants? I don’t hear much about those during toothpaste commercials!

Q: Which policy of yours sets you apart from the competition?

While I’m very proud of my Chocolate Civil Rights Act I mentioned earlier, I’d like to bring up another policy I’m particularly excited about: Expanded voting registration! I feel that if anyone is willing to sign an affidavit stating they intend to move to America in the next 4 years, especially from Switzerland, they should be allowed to vote in the elections. After all, whomever gets elected into office will still be there by the time they immigrate to this country, so they should have a say in who is in charge once they arrive!

Q: Don’t you think it’s a conflict of interest to focus on voters from the country where your own currently resides?

 I’m going to take the high road and not sling that mud back. I’ve heard the rumors, that I’m not “here for the right reasons”, but let me make it clear what I’m NOT here for: to make friends. I’m here to improve this country, and I won’t be accused of anything else.